We have all been there; whether the liquored up vet or the teetotaler that is new to to the bar scene we have ALL at one time been accused of being 'that guy' (read: douchebag).
So what is a guy or gal supposed to do to learn the ropes of the bar industry to make sure the bag tag doesn't stick for life? Well my friends, you have come to the right place. First off, the unequivocally and universal truths that you will find in any gin joint in all the world is contained in the pic at the top of this post. If you skipped over it, please look up at it now. It's fine we will wait....If you did see it before you started reading, look at it again. Burn this into the grey matter between your ears kiddos. THE BARTENDER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!! Now that we have the two commandments out of the way, on to what you should NEVER do to your bartender.
WAVE YOUR MONEY AT THE BARTENDER!
We know that you want a drink. The guy next to you wants a drink. The chic in front of you wants a drink. Let me drop a wee bit of knowledge on you...that't why all of you are here! You waving money in the air is not going to get you a drink any faster than the other 20 people that are in front of you. On a side note, yelling "AY YO!", "BRAH!", "I JUST NEED A BEER!", or "I WILL HOOK YOU UP!" will make you wait exponentially longer (If you use Ay yo or bruh you will probably need to Google the definition of exponentially). I can guarantee you that you will get your drink just as soon as possible now stop throwing your hands in the air like you just don't care. Everyone in the bar thinks you are the guy to the left and that is not a good look for anyone.
ASK THE BARTENDER TO CHARGE YOUR PHONE!
I get it. You have to take 135 selfies a night and upload all of them to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, Whateverthisappdoes, LookAtMe, JustMakingShitUpNow, etc... How in the world are all of your friends going to know that you look totes adorbs tonight if they can't see them online? Problem is your battery is at 3% and it's only 8:00?!? Whatever in the world are you going to do? ZOMGWTFBBQLOL!!1! Don't ask me. You come to me when your drink is out; you want juice, go to a juice bar.
TIP WITH CHANGE!
You hear that? That clinking sound coming from your nether regions while you are grinding/douggieing/doing the stanky leg/or whatever the hell you kids do nowadays. That's the 68 cents that has been rolling around in your jeans from last Tuesday's run to Taco Bell (wash your jeans by the way). If you don't want it, why in the world would you think it belongs in my tip jar. I would rather you not tip at all, let me call you a cheap bastard, and us both be on our merry ways. May God have mercy on your soul if I am having a bad night. Those 3 dimes, 5 nickels, and 13 pennies just became ammunition and being from Texas I am a really good shot.
LEAVE A MESS ON MY BAR!
This one goes out to my buddy Ryan who has a penchant for destoying anything sitting in front of him. Coasters, napkins, beer labels, kittens, whatever. There have been many titles on my business cards throughout the years: bartender, mixologist, therapist, psychiatrist, manager but until I start pushing a mop and can plot murder like the janitor from Scrubs, for the love of all that is holy, stop tearing up everything in my bar! You people are supposedly grownups it is time to start acting like it. And Ryan I am sure the staff at Molly's would appreciate it as well.
ASK ME WHAT BEERS I HAVE WHEN YOU ARE IN FRONT OF THE TAPS!
I understand if it is your first time here. I understand that craft beer is booming and there are 4 new ones every week. I even understand if you are new to the beer business and have no idea what kind of beer that you want. BUT, what I will never understand is you asking me what beers we have when you are 3 feet in front of the beer taps! See those handles there? Those aren't just for decoration, they actually tell you what beer is on the tap! (Again if you use Ay yo or bruh you will probably need help with reading). Nothing infuriates me more than saying I have Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Shiner, Corona, Dos XX, Ultra, Santos, Amber, Goose Island, Hopadillo, Sympathy for the Lager, Buried Hatchet, Dome Faux'm, and Black Wit 'O." Then you say, "Sweet, I'll have a Bud Light".
ALSO DO NOT EVER:
Ask me for free drinks, if you were a good enough customer to deserve one you would have already gotten one.
Ask me for some retarded drink that you made up at a party. If I wanted to mix gin, triple sec, gatorade, mio, diet coke, and tonic water I would have been drunk at your party.
Order one drink, then another when I bring it to you, then one for the cute chic that just walked up, then another for her ugly friend to try to impress the hot one, then one for your boy who just showed up.
Pay for a single drink with a credit card. You know you are going to be here awhile, just let me open you a tab.
Ask me to "hook it up". Again, if you were worth hooking up, you already would be.
Stay past close. You had all night to try to hook up with the hot chic, now settle for the ugly one and get out of my bar. It's my happy hour now.
That's it for now kiddos, hit up the town with your new found knowledge and revel in the antidouchcetasticness you have now achieved!
The new and improved
Now 100% douchefree.